My Day at a Japanese Singles Onsen + Hiking Mixer

These days in Japan, like many countries, dating sites are probably the most common way to meet a romantic partner, but it’s certainly not the only way. Meeting someone at work is encouraged, which as a westerner seems nothing short of insane, but it is quite common. Another way that may be a bit less common these days is singles’ events. Read on to hear about my very interesting day at one.

What’s a Gōkon?

A gōkon (合コン) is a classic Japanese singles mixer. Basically 2 friends or coworkers will invite their single friends and acquaintances to a restaurant or izakaya pub for a night of fun. The organizers usually make sure the man-woman ratio is even. Whether people use this to find a serious relationship or a fun hookup, I can’t really say, and whether you’d think it’s fun or socially exhausting would also vary from person to person, but if you get invited to one you should definitely give it a try!

What’s a Machi-kon?

A machi-kon (街コン) is a more officially organized, usually bigger, singles mixer. The “machi” in machi-kon means “neighborhood” or “town,” so maybe it’s like saying “hey, come meet singles in town!” They’re often organized by a specific izakaya or restaurant, but that’s not a set rule (as you’ll see from my story below). You can find these events in local newspapers or online (in Japanese, of course).

My Machi-Kon Experience

When I first moved to Japan in 2019, I was living in Gunma Prefecture. Despite being just 2 prefectures removed from Tokyo, it’s quite a rural prefecture. If there are 2 things Gunma has a lot of, it’s mountains and onsen spas. Anyway, one of my hobbies in Gunma was reading the local newspaper to practice my Japanese and see what my new community is like, so when I saw an entry in the “events” section for a machi-kon at a mountain onsen hotel, my interest was piqued. So I filled out the RSVP form and got my hiking gear ready for a fun day of flirting at high altitudes.

Since this event was out of the city, they provided a charter bus to pick up everyone who didn’t drive. After the bus got there and we checked in, they explained the flow of the day to us: first, we’ll do introductions, then stretching. Then we’ll hike in groups to the summit, have lunch, and hike back down in different groups. After coming back down, we’d go to the onsen baths to freshen up (gender separated), then finish the day with a BBQ dinner outside and finally an announcement if any matches were made. It should’ve been a fun day.

There must’ve been about 40 or 50 attendees, of course half men and half women. I was the only foreigner, so it was a bit intimidating, but I was up for the challenge. For the self-introduction, we went around the group and followed a set list of things to say, like our name, age, job, and hobbies. This was actually my first time to say the word “hobby” in Japanese, so unfortunately I messed it up, which was embarrassing, but of course everybody was nice about it.

Anyway, next up was time for stretching. Do you know about radio-taisō? Well I sure didn’t, but I sure wish I had. Radio-taisō (ラジオ体操) is a Japanese stretching exercise routine that basically the whole country knows; I guess they learn it in school? There’s a piano song and some narration, and everyone follows the routine of arm swinging, back bending, and so on. Just imagine my embarrassment when everyone is following some zany-looking workout routine and I had to try and keep up and hide my suspicion that I’d joined a cult. “Gosh, when can we get past this embarrassing start and on to the main event?”

When it was finally time to hike, we got into our pre-assigned groups and headed up the mountain. What would have been a fine hike full of the normal get-to-know-you conversation if I spoke better Japanese was, unfortunately, painfully patronizing. The group leader from the hotel could tell that I was being left behind in the conversation, and in an effort to try to make me feel better, he decided to have us go around the group and say “My nickname is __” in English. He was trying to make me feel included and cared for, but at the time it was so frustrating. I didn’t need people to introduce their nicknames in English, I could do that in Japanese… I needed help with the more detailed Japanese conversation! But they obviously couldn’t help me there as nobody spoke English, so I had to accept this as my fate for the day.

The rest of the hike consisted of a mix of nice conversation with some men and chatting with some of the other women, and some people coming up to talk to me with a very fake tone in what was an obvious attempt to get a glimpse at the outsider. After living in Japan for a while you get used to that, and maybe even good at brushing them off, but since I was still new to the country I didn’t know what to make of it. So I spent a lot of the hike, unfortunately, frustrated and regretting coming.

But anyway, there was enough pleasant conversation happening up and down the mountain and at lunch, so by the time we got back down and into the bath, I was excited for the matchmaking BBQ. But first, the onsen bath… aww yeah! Unfortunately because we were on a schedule we couldn’t take our time; I think we only had a half hour. When I was relaxing in the bath and said “I don’t wanna get out” in Japanese, the woman next to me said it at the same time! That was really funny, and I think we both felt validated by that shared moment.

The BBQ was overall fun. It was a chance to mingle again, and talk to potential partners and also potential new friends. I was approached by another fake person or two, but by that point I was more able to move the conversation along. The food was nice, and the hotel staff was making pizza in the outdoor pizza oven upon request!

At some point during the BBQ, you could fill out a paper with the number of a few people you liked. We had a short bio sheet with everyone’s name, age, town, and participant number, so you could copy their number from there. At the end of the event, they read out people who’d matched with someone and the couple would walk in front with applause from the others. Pressure’s on! As they were going down the list, would you believe my name got called? I went to the front to meet the guy I matched with, let’s call him Taro.

Before leaving, I exchanged contact information with a few girls, including the girl from the bath. I made a group chat called something like “Dating Friends” and was happy for all the new friends I made. Taro offered me a ride back to the city in his car, and I said something about “Is it safe to ride with you?” to which he was very confused. Do Japanese women not worry about getting murdered? No, I’m sure they do, it must have just been my crude way of wording it. Anyway, I said something like “Will you murder me?” in broken Japanese and he was really confused. But I asked my new girl friends and they said it’s fine. So I got in his car and had a safe ride home and we arranged a first date.

Epilogue

In the end, Taro was kinda weird. To be fair, I probably seemed pretty weird to him, too. Turns out there were a lot of cultural differences. For example, one time after a few dates I saw him at the mall; when we made eye contact I waved but he looked away. I was so offended! The next day when I texted to ask him, he said he saw someone he thought looked like me but wasn’t sure. That’s a bunch of hooey! I definitely stood out anywhere in Gunma. When I asked a Japanese girl friend why he’d do that, she said it’s probably because he was with his friends, and if he waved back to me he’d have to explain how he knows a foreign woman, and that he was likely embarrassed to tell them he went to one of these singles mixers. It seemed very childish to me at the time, and it still kind of does now, but at least now I’m familiar with the stigma around dating in Japan (especially the countryside), so I guess I get it… although it still is pretty rude to flat out ignore someone you know.

As far as my dating-event girl friends went, it was half a success, half a flop, and I learned a lot about dating and friendship in Japan by talking with them. About half the girls in the texting group I mentioned earlier never replied, which turns out is really common in Japan–that you meet people at some event and it seems like they want to be friends but then they ghost. I don’t take it personally anymore.

I made 2 friends that lasted a while. The first I actually ghosted myself because she was kind of annoying. You might think that’s cold, but ghosting is super common in Japan and is probably preferred to the honesty of “I think you’re annoying.”

The other friend was a pretty good friend up until I left Gunma. We went bouldering a few times and I met her sister and another friend, too. One thing that was interesting is that when she had a guy she was dating, I suggested we should go on a double date, and she would always get embarrassed. When I asked why, it was because she was too shy to call it a “date” because that sounds too romantic or cute, and just saying “hanging out” or something would be better. That was interesting, especially since we were all in our late-20’s or early-30’s, not middle school. But again, now that I’ve lived here longer, I understand it.

Anyway, if you ever have the chance to go to a gōkon or machi-kon, you’re a fairly social person, and you speak some Japanese, I’d recommend giving it a try! You’ll get a real feel for what dating and friendship is like in Japan. Good luck out there!